Don’t be fooled by the glitz and glamour television programmes like Made in Chelsea portray of West London. While it may look all WADUP, OMG, NO WAY!, and PARDY! you need to stop and have a reality check before choosing to rent an office space in West London.
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Before diving into the deep orange end of setting up your business in Mayfair, Chiswick and Kensington, it’s a good idea to have a complete understanding of what you’re about to face. Just like East London, the West has some hidden truths that you should know before signing that rental contract.
We don’t want to scare you, but… well… Welcome to the Wild West.
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You will only drink liquids containing bubbles
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So long, tap water. Goodbye, juice. Once you have set up your office in West London, you will expect Prosecco to flow from your office’s bathroom/kitchen taps, you’ll drink Champagne by the magnum and only Perrier will do.
Of course, you will avoid Coca Cola because you’ve heard about its high sugar content but luckily Tonic Light goes perfectly with a splash of gin. Cheers, darling.
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Lunch will definitely be light
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You will soon forget what it feels like to gorge yourself stupid on burgers, fries and maybe a naughty slab of cheesecake for dessert – you have a skin-tight dress to get into this evening and so you have to look your best.
Speaking of skin, don’t be surprised if yours takes on a slightly oily but luminous glow as when you do eat it is most likely a smoked salmon canapé or an olive or two.
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You will spend more than you earn
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As soon as you settle into your west-end office, you will feel an instant need to shop. And we’re not talking PoundLand here – you need to dress to impress and that means designer shoes, clothes, handbags, wallets, haircuts, manicures, facials, and even food.
You’ll no longer be happy with a reduced for quick sale sandwich from Sainsbury’s – you’ll be buying your paté and quail from gourmet grocers (even if you don’t plan on eating it).
You need to fit in with the beautiful people who work and live in the area so paying big bucks for the latest Armani suit is the only logical thing to do.
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Your morning routine will take so long that you may as well not go to work at all
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The perfect outfit is only half the battle when it comes to looking good in West London. You also need to think about your hair, your tan, your make up and whether or not that purse really does go with those shoes.
It will take you hours to get ready in the morning, plus throw in the fact that you have to meet Katy for brunch and call Patrick to find out what happened last night at the “pardy” – is there really any point in going to the office at all? You can work tomorrow.
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You will constantly be meeting famous people
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Looking your best at all times will soon become mandatory, as every time you step out through your office door you will most likely crash straight into a footballer, movie star or politician. There’s no escaping them and you’ll be expected to engage in relatively intellectual conversation, particularly when you accidentally talk your way into a VIP party in the office next door and Benedict Cumberbatch decides to pop by.
The good news is you may somehow find yourself having an affair with the latest pop star. The bad news is, it will end badly with your face on the cover of OK magazine.
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You will invest in a small ball of fluff
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Apparently, these things are called ‘dogs’ but they are essentially small, round balls of hair that occasionally let out loud yapping sounds. You’ll love it, adore it and carry it around in your Gucci handbag at all times. When you stop at a café to catch up with Rachel, you’ll let it drink Perrier from a portable pink dog bowl.
You’ll have to deal with the swarms of admirers who stop to pat and coo over little Fluffikins. But that’s ok – he’s the cutest little doggie-woggie in the whole wide world, isn’t he?
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No one will spot you on the street because your sunglasses are bigger than your face
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Maybe this is a good thing, but those designer sunglasses you bought last week from Dior are so big that no one can see your face. Thick black frames and highly tinted lenses – you can barely see where you’re walking either.
Uh oh, was that fluffy you just stepped on?!!!!
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You’ll spend all of your savings on designer gym and yoga wear and a seriously good looking man named Sven
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Every day you will have to schedule time to head to the gym for your session with your personal trainer, Sven. You’ll spend the first ten minutes admitting to your midnight feast of an entire bucket of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food and a packet of Jaffa Cakes, before finally hitting the treadmill.
You’ll fret that everyone in the gym is looking at your fat butt wobbling away in your lycra, but luckily you decided to wear your brand new Lululemon yoga wear. No one can look fat in that.
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You will accidentally have an affair with Sven
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If it isn’t Sven, then it’ll be your best friend’s sister’s teacher. People will get upset; there’ll be tears, the throwing of drinks on faces, and you might not be invited to Penelope’s party next week (although you’ll go anyway.) Everyone in your office will bitch about you behind your back and you’ll feel like crawling into a hole.
But don’t worry – Felix will do something even worse and everyone will forgive, forget and start talking about him for a while.
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You might get lost
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Let’s face it – everywhere in West London really does look the same. White stucco fronted buildings with black railings. It’s not your fault you have no idea which one your office is in.
Luckily, taxi drivers know all of the streets in London and those black cabs seem to just appear out of nowhere whenever you yell, ‘Taxi!” Just keep a note of your address in your phone and you’ll be fine.
Scared yet?
Ok, so maybe not everything in West London is made in Chelsea. The truth is, there are some fantastic offices situated in the heart of this bustling, creative and booming part of town and working in West London will bring you so many exciting opportunities.
You will be surrounded by some of the biggest names in business and maybe you really will bump into Richard Branson on your way to work! There are fantastic cafés, restaurants, and places to go for after-work shenanigans, as well as quality office spaces waiting for you to get your business up and running.
